Archive for January, 2008

Mysteries of human physiology

So Lil’ Wayne got pinched last week on (surprise, surprise) a felony drug possession charge…and, of course, The Smoking Gun got the mug shot.

Now, I’ve never really paid that much attention to Lil’ Wayne or his looks. I knew what I needed to know: he’s black, from New Orleans, he’s got more tattoos that a little bit, and he’s got locs, and, for reasons unfathomable to me, women seem to fall all over themselves for him. But TSG’s mug shot made me look a little closer.

Ok…first question: WTF is that on his forehead? Is Lil’ Wayne taking a page out of the Charlie Manson book of tattoos?

My second question: How the hell do you manage to get your neck wider than your head? Wayne’s neck look like it’s about to swallow his head. For real, what the hell sort of steroids do you take to get a neck like that?


Kwame’s Address To The City

Text from the speech and my own commentary

Mayor: I want to start tonight by saying to the citizens of this great city, I’m sorry, for all of you who have believed in what we’ve been doing here since 2002, to all of you who have believe in me and my leadership, to all of you who have stuck with me through very difficult times, to all of you who have prayed for me, I’m sorry. For the embarrassment, and the disappointment, the events of the past few days have caused you. For what you as my supporters, many of you, have had heard as you travel around our city to beauty shops and barber shops, from what you have had to hear when you were at church this past Sunday, from people who know that have supported me. To those of you have not always been Kwame Kilpatrick supporters but who lift up our city, who live in our city, who support this town in various ways, I truly apologize to each and every one of you individually and to the whole city. Most of all tonight, I want to make a public apology to my entire family. And specifically to the four people who I love the most in this world. First I want to apologize to my sons, Jelani, Jalil and Jonas, for the first time in my life I had to have a conversation with my 12-year-old twin sons about very grown-up things. It was without a doubt the hardest conversation that I ever had in my entire life, finally and most importantly, I want to make a public apology to my wife, Carlita, who I fell in love with when I was 19 years old. We decided to build a family together and we did that. Our marriage has not been perfect, but it has been great. Now I put her in a situation, which many couples deal with in the privacy of their own homes, but in our case it is on the front page of the newspaper, this dynamic, strong, caring woman, has been forced to go through this very difficult experience because of me, I truly apology to you.

(Translation: I am truly sorry that I was caught doing what half the city knew I was doing anyway.)

As many of you know, I am not the type of person who displays my emotion in public. But I have to tell you, I have felt more emotion in the last week than I have in the past 20 years. I have been truly hurting. I have been hurting because I know that many of you are hurting and most of all, I am hurting because I know my family is hurting and I’m responsible for that. Over the past few days, there has been some speculation of who is in charge of the city, make no mistake about it, since 2002 I have been in charge of the city. There have been ups and downs, there have been hills and mountains and valleys, but through it all I remain in charge of the city. I believe we’ve built a team here that understands the mission and focus and committee we must have to serve our citizens, we have done some amazing things but we have a lot of work left to do. Over the past few days there has been a lot of speculation about me resigning from office, let me be clear tonight, I would never quit on you, ever. We have a lot of work to do and with your help I’m going to continue to lead this city in getting thew work done. I am truly blessed and grateful that my wife is beside me tonight she has personal remarks of her own to make.

(Translation: Regardless of the fact that I lack any recognisable moral character left, I’m going to keep my position as Mayor because I know the people of Detroit will let me get away with murder…hey, what do you know, you HAVE!)

Carlita Kilpartrick: It is very difficult for me to talk to you at this moment but I want to let you know what is on my heart tonight. Like all marriages, ours is not perfect. Like all people, we are not perfect. But through our commitment to God and to each other my husband and I will get through this. Yes I am angry, I am hurt and I am disappointed, but there is no question that I love my husband. With the help of our pastor and others, we have been having very difficult, very frank discussions to work through some very painful issues. Most couples who work through problems in their marriage are able to do so privately; unfortunately that option is not available to us. Our family has endured the most painful and intrusive week of our lives, our most intimate issues have been laid out for all to see, for all to comment on, for all to dissect and analyze. However this private matter is between me, my husband, and God. We are deeply committed to working through this issue together as a family. As his wife, I know how committed my husband is to the city of Detroit. I am asking the citizens of this city to be committed to him and our family and to the continued growth of the city. Allow our family the space and privacy that is essential to anyone when they work through these very personal issues. Lastly, I would like to thank each and every one of you for all of your prayers and uplifting words.

(Translation: Yeah, I’m sticking with him, but that’s because I’m not giving up this comfortable life, plus I’m not raising these damn kids by myself. But don’t call me a dumb broad, he’s not getting any ass for a LONG time. Nah, he’s going to suffer for this. I’m not letting him forget this. Not for a long time.)

Mayor: This has been a very difficult time for my wife and my family, I would ask that from this point forward if you have to attack someone, attack me. I would ask that you don’t follow my wife, don’t film my kids going to school, I ask you not to have helicopters flying around our home, I ask that you leave them alone. I am the mayor, I made the mistake, I am accountable. Because there are legal matters pending at this moment, unfortunately I am unable to discuss any of those issues at this time. But I do have some personal words I want to share with you tonight. Over the past week our marriage has been open up for public view. This has been a situation where yes, it has been embarrassing; yes, it has been painful; but through all of that, through the grace of God we have also had a feeling of thankfulness and freedom, we have committed to moving forward together to make our marriage better and stronger. Last week was the first weekend since I took office in January 2002 that I just put everything aside and focused only on my family. I know people have been wanting to hear from me, but I needed to do that first. I want to thank the people of Detroit for their patience and allowing us to have that time, we as a family needed to do that. I told my sons this past weekend that when you make a mistake you learn from it, you get up, you dust yourself off and you keep moving forward. Detroit, I am determined that we will keep moving forward, I am determined to continue the tremendous progress we are making in this city. In the worst economic conditions since the great depression, Detroit together we have managed to do great things. We have paved more streets than ever, we have built more new houses than ever, we have balanced our budget and wiped out a $300 million deficit, we have developed 75 buildings downtown large and small, we have built seven new hotels, we have built three new rec. centers in neighborhoods that have not seen rec. centers in 20 years, we are building out our riverfront and we are not stopping now. Detroit, please continue to pray for our family, for our city and for our continued progress. God bless you, Detroit, I love you and I’ll see you at work tomorrow.

(Translation: I’m in the dog house. I know it. If you want to go after me, fine, but leave the family alone [best thing he said all night]. That said, I will now distract you by flashing something shiny at you in hopes that you notice as I make my escape.)

She’s a better woman than me, that’s for damn sure.

So Carlita Kilpatrick (wife of Kwame Kilpatrick) is supposed to be doing the good wife thing and standing by her man when he addresses the city tonight.

Now if that were me, that wouldn’t be happenin. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not just because dude cheated (openly, multiple times), but because he perjured himself, and last I looked, that’s something of a major crime. I made it this far without ever dating someone with a criminal record (beyond juvenile offenses that don’t fall under felonies in the adult system), I couldn’t see becoming the Mayor’s wife only to have him sent to prison for lying about getting some side booty.

I wonder how long it will take for them to demand a recall vote on him…I got 10 that says they won’t. Detroiters, as much as I love my city, are notoriously dumb when it comes to elected officials.