The Problem Of Finding Old Flames

Or: Why Facebook is making me rethink attending my class reunion next year.

I was happy when Facebook opened it’s doors for everyone to join. By time the site popped up I had already been out of college for about two years and they had deleted my email account, so there was no way for me to sign up and find old classmates (and I was really getting sick of that ripoff, bullshit site But as of late I’ve been going through great pains to avoid Facebook like the plague.

Part of the reason, aside from now having way too many annoying tweens in it’s population, is that an old high school crush has popped up. Initially I was happy to have found him. Aside from crushing on each other, we were also good friends and we hadn’t talked since graduation. No one knew what had happened to him, so naturally I was worried he had fallen victim to the city’s undertow. I greeted him with all the joy that one would an old friend they hadn’t seen in ages. He greeted me with cheap innuendo.

“We need to hook up so we can settle some unfinished business ;).”

That got an immediate WTF look. There was no way he could have looked at my profile and saw I was married with a kid. But he had. He even acknowledged that I had a kid. Oh, and did I mention that he’s married himself? Yeah. With two kids. Now add to that the fact that he is not cute in the least bit anymore. Ok, the fact that he’s married with kids takes obvious precedence over the fact that he’s not attractive anymore, but still. He was talking a lot of bullshit like he was Ralph Lauren’s newest undies model. I had to question if my Facebook page exuded that sort of desperation that I’d be willing to “hook up” with a married man that I hadn’t seen in nine years just because we crushed back when we were teenagers.

It doesn’t, in case you’re wondering.

He sent me a message the other day. “Hola @ me girl we need to hook up U have a beautiful daughter hola Yup!”

No. He’s not Latino. That’s not hola as in hi, that’s supposed to be “holla”. Yes, he really does type  like that. Damn near 30 and his Facebook and Myspace pages are full of writing just like that. It burns my eyes I tell you. BURNS! And yes, he has, again, acknowledged that I have a daughter. He left out the fact that I’m married.

I wrote back, dryly telling him that I really don’t use Facebook anymore.

wut up I just got ur reply oh ur not on facebook well wut about yspace did u have a chance to add me to ur friend list? Here r the links again just n case u forgot them (edited) U should be able to find me up under one of these. So Y arnt u on facebook that often any more? I would love to see u n person again one of these day’s u know lol. Where do u live now I may just have to “cum” and scoop u up or sum’n. Anyway Hola back when u get this u know where I’m @ =)

*gags and vomits* Do women really fall for this bullshit?  I mean women who aren’t mentally disabled. OK, there’s no way in hell I’d add him to my myspace friends. Why? Because H is on there for one, and two he seems to not care that I am married (he seems not to care that he’s married) so God only knows what bullshit he’d put on my comments for all the world to see. And can we talk about him using “cum” as opposed to “come” like it’s actually clever? Men, take note, that shit is corny. It’s corny and it REEKS of desperation. Does he really think that in nine years I have not moved on from the crush I had on him and that I’d actually be willing  to put my marriage at risk for one night of, most likely, very disappointing sex?

I tell him that I moved from Detroit when I got married back in 2002 (I made a point of stating what year I got married). His reply ignored the fact that I even mentioned being married (hell even former lovers I’ve bumped into on facebook have congratulated me on being married…even if they didn’t mean it, they said it) and repeated his desire for us to meet up for some stupid tryst.

Thing is, I really don’t know how to tell him that a single snowflake has a better chance in Hell than he does trying to get me into bed, without saying that a single snowflake has a better chance in Hell than he does trying to get me into bed. The wrong response will put him on the defensive and he’ll start claiming that he was joking (riiiiiight that’s why he keeps bringing it up *rolls eyes*) and that he wouldn’t put his marriage at risk for me.

I’m not saying I’m hot shit. I’m not. But I’m not so damn ugly (actually I’m not ugly at all thank you) or so desperate (I’m not desperate either) that I’d be willing to just fall for that lameness. He’s bumping up against 30. He’s married with two kids. And yet he has no clue how to approach a grown woman. This is why people need to stop going to clubs to meet people. It’s hard to detect bullshit over those blaring speakers, and so it makes the bullshitter think that what they’re saying is actually clever and cute.

Ah well…*continues to avoid Facebook*


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