Posts Tagged ‘love’
If you’re curious as to what happened to me and my friend (MT) since I last wrote about us parting ways so he could pursue another avenue…we’re still good friends. And the avenue turned into a dead end. I won’t get into the whole mess because I’m just drained over the whole situation and I don’t have the energy to rehash it all over again. Essentially, someone one led him to believe one thing, then turned around and did another. Sucks doesn’t it.
But MT and I are still friends, a bit bruised in our friendship but no worse for the wear.
This evening wasn’t a very good one for me. I had something of an episode.
H asked me what was wrong with a little too much attitude in his voice. So I left the kitchen (where I had been sitting) and went upstairs to my room. I started crying. Not bawling, just crying. The Kid knew something was up and started to come up after me (she’s pretty intuitive for a four year old), but H stopped her and made her go back into the living room. That I was happy for. Fact is I don’t like her seeing me upset. I’ve only recently gotten on anti-deps, so for three years she’s seen me at my worst. I don’t want her seeing me like that, or even near that, again.
All the things “wrong” came pouring from me while I sat there. I grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled them down, sobbing the whole time but feeling better with each line that I wrote. A little over two pages later I went back down stairs and dropped the notebook on the kitchen table for H to read (that is if he actually could read it…my handwriting got a little bad as everything flowed from me). Then I went back upstairs to the bathroom and ran a shower. After standing under the water for a few minutes I flipped up the lever to close the tub drain, sat down and let the shower head fill the tub and the water pound down on my back and neck.
Once I started losing hot water I turned the shower off and laid back, sinking slowly into the water until my nearly my entire head was submerged, leaving only my nose and mouth above the water. I allowed my body to just relax and float (insomuch as one can in your average bathtub). In that suspended state my mind cleared. I could hear noise through the water, but I focused on the sound of my heartbeat and breathing.
That’s as close as I ever get to a truly deep, meditative state. In my tub, mostly submerged, listening to the blood pulse in my ears and my breathing. And it was here that I discovered what the true source of my episode was. A mass of conflicting emotions over a situation with a friend. The answer came right after: I had to be honest with him and make the hard choice neither of us really wanted to make.
After running what I was going to say through my head a few times, using my breathing as a sort of metronome to keep the thoughts from racing too fast for me to put together properly, I emerged from the water (once near scalding hot, now luke warm), ran some conditioner through my hair (soaking as long as I did underwater will turn my curly hair into a natted mess) and got out, confident in what I had to do.
And I did it. And I bawled for about an hour and a half afterwards. I hurt someone I loved dearly, but did it so they’d have the freedom they needed to do what will, hopefully, end with them being happy. It hurt like fuck on my end, and I’m sure it wasn’t very pleasant on theirs either. I cried a few more times after that too. One friend assured me it was the right thing to do. A mutual friend of ours echoed the sentiment. I know it’s right. But right still feels like having a limb torn from you.
But that’s the way these things work. You struggle for the right answer, the one that makes everyone happy. And sometimes there is no answer that makes everyone happy. Sometimes you have to just hurt someone, and yourself, in the process of making them happy.
Ah hell…I won’t end on that load of pseudo-philosophical bullshit. Fact is I tore out his heart and mine all in one swift move and I did it because I loved him enough to want him to be happy in his life and that wasn’t going to happen so long as I was still holding on to him. That was the answer I came up with to my problem. It was a fucked up answer, but if I had kept on the way I was it would have been detrimental to my emotional health, and I know he wouldn’t have wanted that. I still consider him one of my closest friends and confidants. He knows me inside and out. I don’t know if he’ll forgive me, or even talk to me, but I’ll have to live with it anyway.
This one isn’t going to win me any friends. I realise this, and I’m ok with it. But, ladies and gentlemen, it is time we woke up from this Disney induced fantasy that somewhere out there is the “perfect relationship”, and it’s just waiting for us to come find it. It isn’t.
Don’t get me wrong, deep down I’m a tried and true romantic. I believe that love at first sight can happen. I believe in soul mates. All that hokey BS that we’re spoon fed from the time we can understand Mother Goose, Brothers Grimm, and Disney I’m all for it. However, I don’t believe there is a such thing as a perfect relationship. Even the best relationships have problems.
Let’s be honest with ourselves. Humans are flawed. That means anything we engage in is flawed, even if it’s in the most minuscule way, regardless of how pure our intentions are. So if we go back to 9th grade algebra and accept that A+B=C, then one flawed human in a relationship with another flawed human, no matter how well matched they are, means that the relationship is going to have its problems. This isn’t a death sentence for relationships, and I’m certainly not advocating inter-specie relationships (ick). We just need to accept that nothing is perfect so we can stop striving for perfection and stressing ourselves out.
Let’s look at our favorite fairy tales. Where do they end? Most often on the wedding day. “Princess So-and-So married her beloved Prince Whoever and they lived happily ever after.” Realistically, life doesn’t stop on the wedding day. It doesn’t stop after the honeymoon, or after you have kids. Nor do we stop growing as people after any of these events. But your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, so what better place to end the story? Why bother looking down the road four years when Princess So-and-So is tired of being cooped up in the castle and Prince Whoever is too busy flirting with the courtiers to notice her misery? And who wants to hear about how irritating of a mother in law Queen Whatsherface is? No. Just end it when everyone but the bad-guys are happy.
Fairy tales and trashy romance novels sell this idea of the perfect relationship. But they don’t exist, and we need to stop pretending they do. Ask anyone who’s been married for 15 or 20 years, marriage is hard. Making it work is even harder. Dealing with two different personalities, who had two different upbringing, and have two different ways of doing things…there’s nothing easy about any of that. Add to that equation that both persons grow and change throughout the relationship. They develop hobbies and interests that don’t always coincide with the other persons. They have friends their other half can’t stand.
But we want perfect. We don’t allow for growth or change. No wiggle room for mistakes to be made. The minute the image of perfect gets the slightest hint of tarnish, that’s it. Towel’s on the mat. Fights over.
If we could get past this, we’d all be a lot happier. And I wouldn’t spend a good portion of my days helping friends (and sometimes near strangers) with their relationship issues. I don’t mean for you to settle with whatever is handed to you. Not at all. Happiness is necessary in any relationship. But happiness can’t be appreciated if there’s nothing to compare it to. However if you’re going to search for happiness in perfection, prepare to be very disappointed.
Everyone has issues and baggage that they drag into their relationships. Some of us heap these things onto our partners (whether they deserve it or not) without consideration of how it affects them. We’re blind to everything except how things affect us. We need to open our collective eyes and see our partners for the flawed humans they are and accept that they will never be anymore perfect than we are (and if you actually believe that you are perfect just as you are, then may I suggest that you live alone, possibly with cats, for the rest of your perfect, miserable life and spare the rest of humanity from having to deal with you).
Flip Cinderella the bird and you’ll find yourself a lot better off for it.